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Hello world.
Well, it’s been over 9 months since my last posting, and a lot of changes have
happened in my life during that time. I’m struggling to figure out what I’ll
talk about in this post, but I’ll try my hardest to keep this under a few pages
in length ;-) That means that little things like buying an iPhone, learning
Microprocessor control and electronics, studying for my aviation instrument
rating, finally buying a kitchen table and living room furniture, my search for
a good dentist, a business trip to Houston, and the close call with almost
having to go to India will not be discussed. If you’re interested in any of
these items just email me and ask.
The first six months of 2009 were very difficult for me. Anyone who has read any
of the previous posts can understand some of what I was going through. The
overriding theme of the first part of 2009 was the downfall of my love life and
the heartache that ensued. The secondary theme would have to be the financial
hardships that I was trying desperately to resolve. I’ll touch on both of these
issues as well as other items in the coming paragraphs.
I’ve been single now for fifteen months. I’ve found that although I’m mostly
over the person in my past relationship, I’m still not really able to open my
heart to anyone else. My last lover’s abrupt tearing out of my heart has left
scars that I’m still trying to deal with. I’m certainly no longer in love with
him, and care for him as any good human being would care about an ex, I just
don’t have much respect for the person he seems to have turned into. In that
regard, I guess I’m glad he is no longer in my life. Although, like anyone who
loses a person that they were in love with, I still often think of the person
who I fell in love with, and treasure our memories together. We all wish we
could live in our memories from time to time… unfortunately that’s not reality
:-/ (Regardless of those statements…. I still have a huge hole in my life that
he previously filled…. I feel the emptiness every day…. And it hurts.)
Within the last few months I made a commitment to myself to try and get back
into the dating scene and start to feel like a normal man again, but all of my
attempts seem to result in the realization that I’m just not ready for another
attempt at real intimacy. I’ve put up walls and self protection mechanisms that
block people from getting closer to me. I did not pursue any of the people I’ve
been on “official dates” with. They were either “too young”, “too old”, “not
Asian” or whatever it may have been. At least I recognize this issue and am
working on changing it, since it is unfair to both myself and the other person.
So for now I’m still single, by my own choosing.
If only Mister Right would walk into my life...
I just re-read my last statement “by my own choosing”…. That’s stupid….. love
doesn’t work that way. If someone came into my life that I had an explosive
chemistry with and that I began to fall for… then so be it…. But that hasn’t
happened. I am, however, starting to at least put myself back on the market to
meet people. You can’t fall in love with someone if you don’t know they exist.
Unfortunately, there really isn’t anybody out there that I’ve met that even
comes close. :-(
As you may have read from my previous posts, business was going really bad for
me in the last year. A failed business venture that caused me to lose my house
in 2007, a mediocre recovery in 2008, and then all downhill in the first half of
2009 with the downfall of the economy. As a result I was looking for an
alternate employment situation. That didn’t seem to work out very well at first,
but I did find a position with an Aviation related technology firm in the
Natomas area. Enjoyable since it combines my passion for aviation with my
professional expertise.
The position that I accepted wasn’t even close to what I wanted financially, so
I’ve been reliant on side projects leftover from the full time consultancy. So
far the arrangement has worked out well. Almost every weekend I have another
side project that helps pay the bills and also keeps my mind occupied. A good
thing when you have a lot of alone time.
The position within the company I’m working for now has room for substantial
growth, but we are currently awaiting a large contract award from the
government. Either A) We will get the contract and things will be happy for
everybody, or B) we don’t get the award and there will be drastic cuts. Time
will tell. I may be looking for another position here soon.
As a result of finally getting my financial world somewhat back in order, I have
been able to move out of the crappy downtown apartment I was in for the last few
years. I moved into a “Luxury” apartment only 1.2 miles away from the office I
travel to on a daily basis. The apartment is a definite upgrade from my last
place. Large kitchen and living room, dining room, two separate bedrooms, walk
in closet, full appliances (including washer and dryer), central heat and air,
and a garage. Yay! (Still nothing compared to the two homes I had in a decade
gone bye….)
The “charm” of living in an old Victorian home downtown in the years past is
long gone.
Some side-effect of moving away from downtown is that I’m no longer near the gay
bars, and it is a ~$40 cab ride to them from where I live. That means that I
only make it out to the social areas maybe once a week on the weekend (and only
if I am able to hitch a ride from a friend). No more “happy hour” after work.
Overlooking the fact that I now live in a suburb with little “family” around me,
it is better in the long run. I’m certainly healthier than I was nine months
ago. I also go to the Gold’s Gym near my new apartment a few times a week, and
that has started to show some visible results.
Side note about Gold’s Gym: IT IS WAY WAY WAY WAY BETTER than any 24 hour
fitness I’ve ever been to in California. I also like it because I don’t know
anybody there. I can do my workout and not have to deal with gays staring at me
all day.
I’ve also noticed that my clean-freak side has come out in full force in the
last six months. My pantry and cabinets are organized and well stocked. My
living room and kitchen is always immaculate, and my home office is well
configured. I suppose when you don’t have boyfriends around leaving their
clothes all over the place it is easier to maintain a nice place. Of course the
layout and space of my new place is a huge factor. I have locations for
everything, and I’ve also gotten rid of a lot of junk in my move from downtown
to here.
So, a few random topics.
I recently finally upgraded my home computer to a custom built gaming machine I
put together. Very happy about the results. I was way over due for an upgrade.
I finally paid off my car, so that’s a good thing.
My father and his girlfriend, as well as my brother and his partner, are all
still together as well.
Kinda strange because my father, brother, and I are suppose to have a little
family reunion (just the three of us plus their partners) in August of this year
in Arizona. Unfortunately it is almost a certainty that I will be the only
single person in the bunch. Oh well.
I’ve been on a few dates with a few people, but nothing really sparkled on my
side. Luckily I’ve been able to hold people off before they write me crazy
stalker letters.
I do occasionally sign in to Grindr on my iPhone, but that has mainly been
simply to communicate with a friend in Fresno, not really to look for guys. I
don’t even hit the “find more guys” button because if I click it then my ex will
likely show up. By the way, he is “not half of two”… whatever.
Still no gay.com or a4a for me though. I want a respectable partner in my life,
not some whore. Ok, Ok, I know what you will say “Just because I have
provocative photos on gay hook-up sites, does not make me a whore!!!”… ok….
Sure, I agree with you, and I apologize… (and this goes for you too Billy)….
However… if a person was wearing a police man’s uniform in the middle of the
street and you ran up to them saying “Help Me! Help Me!!!” and they said to you
“Sorry, I’m not a police officer!” wouldn’t you get confused?
Same thing with those sites. You MAY NOT be a whore… but you CERTAINLY are
wearing a whore’s uniform. (Special Thanks to Dave Chappell for pointing this
out in one of his stand-up comedy routines. Credit where credit is due.)
Let’s see…. What else to talk about.
Well, let’s re-cap the last few months. I’ve been extremely busy with work (a
vast improvement over 2008 and 2009). I’ve stabilized my outward emotional and
financial situation, and I’ve regained most of the self confidence that I was
missing in years past. The downside is that I’m still extremely lonely, and
longing for that “in love” feeling again. I’m a very loving, caring, and
compassionate person. It feels like wanting to scream, but not being able to
open your mouth. The need to be loved, and to love someone else, is a basic
human need. Maybe in time it will come to fruition.
Until then, I’ll end this long over-due “My Thoughts” post with last night’s
vanity card from “The Big Bang Theory” written by Producer Chuck Lorre.
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CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #284
2010 Census
1) How many people were living or
staying in this house, apartment or mobile home on April 1, 2010?
Well, after a difficult divorce and several failed attempts at a meaningful
relationship, I guess the answer is one. One lonely, middle-aged guy. But I
shouldn't get too down on myself. I mean, at least I'm trying. At least my
intentions are good. Well, mostly good. I am guilty of what I call
self-righteous self-centeredness. You know, that workaholic syndrome which
requires everyone to adapt to my “every pressing need” rather than being
available to theirs. In fact, that actually might be the core of my problem.
That, or my compulsive desire to make women happy, which, no surprise, stems
from a deep fear that unless I'm perfect, they'll leave me. Oh, and they sure
let you know when you're not perfect. They don't mince words when you fail to
live up to their expectations. You hear about it. Or worse, you don't hear about
it and then have to deal with their subliminal rage that you're not healing
their deep-seated daddy wound. But that's beside the point. Bottom line, one
person lives here. There, you happy U.S. Department of Commerce Economics and
Statistics Administration/ U.S. Census Bureau?! Anything else you want to know?
2) Were there any additional people staying here that you did not include in
question one?
I already told you, I'm alone! What
is with you people?! Why do you keep taunting me?! Haven't I suffered enough?!
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1st Aired: 12 April 2010
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